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My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
I think about hiring a maid way too often for someone who has plenty of time to clean.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie