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Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
No pornhub I do not want to share this video with my friends & family on Facebook
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.