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I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I wonder if the earth teases other planets for having no life.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.