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Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
To be honest with you, I start all my lies with to be honest with you.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!