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Before the internet I used to like people.
I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.