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I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
The only instant messaging I enjoy is with my middle finger.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.