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I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
I am the undefeated champion of this”smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day” game.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Porn Spoiler.......The plumber doesn`t fix the leak in the kitchen sink...
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it... turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.