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If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
i wish i could sleep ... but my damn A.D.D. kicks in and basically 1 sheep, 2 sheep, cow, turtle, duck, Ol McDonald had a farm, HEEEY Macerena.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
I bought powdered water but I don`t know what to add to it.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.