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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
This town is about as exciting as watching an M&M melt in the sun.
It only takes a second to show someone how you feel. The police call it “Indecent Exposure” but whatever.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.