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Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
Did I already do my deja vu joke?
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Why am I always right but people still ignore me...?
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I use these ( ... ) a lot. For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.
You`re the type of person who didn`t rewind the Blockbuster VHS...
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.