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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.