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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Some people need a shock collar. I need the remote.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(