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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.