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You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well...my phone number for a start
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?