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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Judging from all the misery and carnage on my newsfeed, I`m assuming it`s Monday.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.