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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
My life is just one long improvisation.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?