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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Definition: Brain - Your body`s hardest working organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth until you...fall in love.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
I bought a huge plastic Christmas tree today! the shop assistant asked me if I was going to put it up myself? I told him "Don`t be stupid, i`m gonna put it in the lounge room"
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.