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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?