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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Just witnessed kids playing tag. What is this world coming to? Do their parents know they are outside, interacting, and getting exercise?
Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don`t forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them much more often
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."