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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
I don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar