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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
I forgot to post this earlier
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"