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When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Wonder if Jesus gets screwed out of birthday presents just because his birthday is so close to Santas?
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
The first sign of laziness:
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
It kinda makes sense that the target audience for fidget spinners lost interest in them so quickly
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.