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I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.