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You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Well I didn`t know that minding my own business becomes part of your business to mind
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.