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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!