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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
I do marathons ... on Netflix.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Facebook, Pinterest and Instagram have taught us that for every giant technological leap ahead, we will find a way to use it for dumb sh!t.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.