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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.