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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!