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“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.