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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
I`m going to a wedding rehearsal this weekend. Wedding rehearsals are the only time you see someone practice making a mistake.
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
I will be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite story about how you will get treated like CRAP ... until you have something someone else needs
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species