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I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.