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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
My friend wants to know if you think Iām hot.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
You look like I need another drink
Soup of the day: Beer
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Back in my day we had 9 planets.