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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, I’m not falling for that.
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!