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Partying on my level requires years of training.
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.