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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
I love arguing with you so much, I`ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"