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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Job interview: Please tell us why you’d love to work for us? ME: I need money :)
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.