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I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.