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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Condoms prevent minivans.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.