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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I`m so good, I scream my own name out during sex.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.