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“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!