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The discharge paperwork at the hospital seems to be expedited a little quicker if you roam up and down the hall with the back of your hospital gown untied.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......