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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don`t have a weight problem....I`m just hot
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"