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"I`d hit that" -old people who drive
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
Apparently asking girl scouts which cookie pairs nicely with whiskey is inappropriate....