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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you