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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
It`s amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.