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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Sometimes it’s the little victories, like depositing a dollar to avoid overdraw fees that make me feel like a responsible adult.
I wish common sense was more common.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Soup of the day: Tequila.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?