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Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
This recliner and I go way back.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know Iām delicious but damn.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
morning i hate girls evening i need girls
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.