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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
"Oh!Look The Smurfs Grew Up!"Grandma those are Avatars." -_-