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The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
I`m never free but I`m available.
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.