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They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
Of course you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the definition of ignorance!
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.