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What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.