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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.