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At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
It was so cold today the local flasher was caught "describing" himself to women.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.