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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
Awkward moment when you just wanted a sugar daddy but becomes the First Lady of America!
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.