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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
sleep is for people without netflix