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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?