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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
It’s a status….not your diary…