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why do wise people never make wisecracks?
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.