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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.