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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.