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What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
I thought I`d try yoga to make myself more flexible, but I`m still incredibly stubborn.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
This year thousands of men will die from stubbornness....NO WE WON`T!!
With great power comes great electricity bill.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.