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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
If you`re already in the cop car, I really can`t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?