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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Is somebody not editing what I´m saying here???
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Carfax but for people
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.