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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Does "who cares" count as advice?
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.