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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.