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Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
I don`t always get to drink free beer... But I just happen to know my neighbor went to the night shift, and I saw him filling his fridge today.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.