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Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?